Max has an interesting habit/compulsion. When he hears a siren, it sends him into a howling fit. Often in howling, he even imitates the siren itself. Generally we find it quite cute and charming, but when a siren wakes him up at 4 AM and he jumps into full on siren-howl mode we’re not as amused. I’ve always wanted to get it on video but we never knew when a siren might pass by to have a camera ready. A recent episode of The Simpsons, however, features a very prominent siren sound and, thanks to the wonders of Tivo, we can now get Max to do his fire truck imitation whenever want it. This is not as spot-on an imitation as he sometimes does, but it gives the general idea.
Yeah, I know. I’d all but abandoned this site. In truth I found I just didn’t have much to write about. Plus it got to the point where there was so much comment spam that I had to go into the WordPress database directly and delete them manually! Plenty has happened in the past 8 months (something or other about an engagement), but what drove me to write an entry was an event combining two of the topics I’ve delved into on this blog:
Kathleen (my new fiance) and I went out to a late breakfast this morning. Foolishly, I had left the contents of last night’s Chinese food dinner sitting on the coffee table - well within the reach of a certain Cocker Spaniel who NEVER gets to eat human food unless he finds some way to steal it.
We returned to find a happy dog anxiously awaiting our return. However, as Kathleen headed up the stairs from the living room towards the kitchen she yelled “Oh no!.” Max had seized the opportunity of food being nearby and us being out of the house to steal a fortune cookie. He ran up to the landing of the stairs (his favorite treat-eating place) and quickly devoured it, leaving behind the plastic wrapper and, amazingly, the fortune! I picked it up from the ground and once I read Max’s fortune I was no longer mad at him for his thievery:
“Life is about making some things happen, not waiting for something to happen.”
It is with much joy that I introduce the newest member of my household: Max! Max is a 4 year old purebred cocker spaniel that Kathleen and I have adopted from Kathleen’s Aunt’s neighbor in Queens.
Today we drove up to north Jersey to meet up with said Aunt for the “handoff.” Max behaved tremendously well the whole ride home, sitting politely in his crate. He didn’t bark once during the entire ride. Then once we got home he took to exploring the house. He’s well behaved (though a little rambunctious), knows how to sit and give a paw (needs some work on “heel”), and he and I got a pretty good game of fetch in, too. I’m looking forward to many years of great stories to tell about his antics. So far the best one is that, for some reason, mine is the only leg this neutered dog wants to hump! Needless to say, this cracked Kathleen up plenty. But when I had to yell at him to stop, Kathleen swears she saw a look of shame on his face.
We also think in his current state he looks like he should be in College. With his shaggy hair and his t-shirt, he looks like he’s used to hanging out in his dorm room and listening to the Dead. More pictures when we get him cleaned up.
Yes, it’s been forever since I’ve written a blog post. In truth, I bought matthewschwarz.com because it was available (mattschwarz.com has been occupied for years with the same picture of some creepy German guys), and set up this blog having no real purpose and no idea what to write about. So now, for the second time in about 6 posts, I find myself talking about my pet peeves.
First off, we have another instance of the so-called “first since” fallacy (I like “first since fallacy” better than the ”hasn’t since exaggeration” that I called it in my entry about the Olympics not coming to Philadelphia.) It reared its ugly head again in this article about the A’s winning the AL West. It’s their first AL West title since 2003! Wow, really? So they didn’t win it last year OR the year before? What a cold streak! Let’s see, there are 4 teams in the AL West, so hypothetically each team should win once every 4 years. And the A’s won in 2003 AND 2006? That line should read “won their second title since 2003.” I won’t quit until “first since” is only used legitimately, like in 2090 when the headlines will read “Red Sox win first World Series since 2004.”
On to Pet Peeve #2: Line Cutting. I don’t know why people who cut lines bother me so much, but they always have and I imagine always will. Not just lines in the traditional “waiting on line to buy tickets” sense either. Like when I drive to work in the morning and people go into the shoulder in order to move up 3 cars because neither the left nor right lane are moving fast enough for them. Or when the traffic at a highway exit is backed up past the start of the exit lane and people go past the whole line in a moving lane, then slam their brakes and try to merge in right at the exit. Don’t these people realize that they’re CAUSING MORE TRAFFIC?!?! I try my best to cut them some slack, because every once in a while I’m sure it is a person who legitimately didn’t realize the backup was for the exit lane (this happened to me once and I swear the guy I cut in front of followed me for about a mile after my exit. I could see him screaming at me in my rear view mirror.)
Anyway, I hadn’t even intended to go off on such a tangent about automobile line cutting because the real pet peeve I wanted to write about is Checkout Line cutting. Specifically this scenario: You are second or third on a rapidly growing line of people at a supermarket/convenience store/other kind of store with multiple cash registers. You’ve been waiting 5 or 10 minutes to even get to be second or third. Finally, store management realizes they’re undermanning the check out counter and has someone open up a new register. What does the new cashier always say? “I can help the next person in line.” What happens more often than not? People from the BACK OF THE LINE jump to the new register!!! The fact that I’ve stood on line to pay for the last 10 minutes doesn’t mean I’ve made a commitment to this register. If I join a line ahead of you, I expect to be done with it before you. It’s the old First In, First Out system. It’s beautifully fair.
Are these all stupid and trivial things to care about? I’m sure. Should these things not piss me off so much? Probably. Is it just me? Probably not. I admit they bother me more than most other people. But I’d bet everyone’s got something ridiculous that they care about more than they should. But if you’re a shoulder passer, traffic cutter or a line jumper and reading this makes you think twice about doing it the next time, then my blog has found a purpose after all. And if you want to send me YOUR pet peeves and I’m an offender, I promise to at least consider changing my errant ways.
Unless your pet peeve is stupid and trivial, that is.
We got back on Wednesday from our week long trip to the Pacific Northwest. The first four days we spent in Portland with Kathleen’s family, culminating in her cousin’s wedding. The wedding was a lot of fun and it was nice to spend some time with Kathleen’s family and finally (after two years of dating) meet her brother. What was less nice was the hotel we were staying at. I don’t know what story I can tell to truly capture the beauty of this place. Maybe it was that most people didn’t get the type of room they had booked months earlier, or that some didn’t come with toilet paper or towels, or that our shower curtain was covered in mold, or that unless you were staying for at least a week, there was no maid service (maid service COULD be purchased for an additional $15 per day). No, I think the one that sums it up best was the family of wedding guests who decided to check out after finding a particularly disturbing stain on their bedspread (let’s just say it was a white, sticky stain…there may be kids reading this blog).
After going to the wedding on Saturday evening, we had one last breakfast in Portland and then drove with Kathleen’s brother and sister-in-law up to Seattle where we had about an hour to relax in our new hotel (no complaints) before heading off to the Seattle Rose Gardens for the ceremony. Again, the wedding was very nice, though Kathleen had never been carded to drink at a wedding before.
Finally we had Monday and Tuesday to spend in Seattle. Monday we went to the Experience Music Project, a large museum all about music, with a big interactive exhibit that teaches you some of the basics of playing different instruments, mixing tracks, and synchronizing beats. I learned that I will never be able to play the guitar, as I was brutally unable to keep up with the beat of “Louie, Louie” on a single guitar string. Tuesday we went to the Seattle Aquarium and spent literally over an hour watching the Sea Otters play. If you’ve never seen otters, you’re really missing something. I dare you to watch them eat a clam off their belly and not crack a smile. Finally on Wednesday we were off to the airport to return to the East coast.
Congratulations to Rick & Stephanie (Portland) and Lauren & Kenny (Seattle).
This past weekend we got to dog sit. Under our care was a 70 lb English Bulldog…named Tiffany. Even though Bulldogs look tough, they are incredibly docile, gentle dogs and Tiffany was no exception. She never barked (except little tiny barks while she dreamed), never growled and literally panted with joy when you pet her.
Unfortunately, our ability to pet her was greatly hindered by the fact that Friday night, upon letting her explore the house, she realized that she could slither under our bed. That’s where she spent about 95% of her time here. When it came time to take her for a walk or feed her, we literally had to reach under the bed and drag her by the paws. She wouldn’t resist, she’s far too docile for that. She’d just lay there like a lump while we dragged her across the carpet, as if to say “No, I don’t want to come out. But you gotta do what you gotta do.” The fun didn’t end there though. Once she was out, we still had to fight to get her to stand up, and then once she stood up, she’d refuse to even take a step. You could tug on her leash all you wanted, but she’d just stand firm, and occasionally pull a 180 and try to slither back under the bed. The only way to get her out without dragging her, we discovered, was to have Kathleen meow.
Despite her laziness, subbornness, and the fact that she slobbered everywhere, she was a great houseguest (the first we’ve had since Kathleen moved in) and we both agree the house feels empty without her here.
Edit: After it was astutely pointed out to me that the description makes Kathleen sound like my cat, I will state clearly here for anyone who may be reading this who does NOT know me in real life that Kathleen is my wonderful live-in girlfriend. She was merely making a meowing sound.
A random thought occured to me this morning. Almost every ATM I’ve ever used dispenses no less than $10 bills. Most don’t do less than $20. So why, when you key in the amount of money you want to take out, do you have to hit two extra zeros to show zero cents?
Last month, after much begging on my Mother’s part, I began cleaning out my old childhood bedroom. Amongst my things, I found an old collection of bizarre fortune cookie fortunes that I had long forgotten about. Some are odd and shockingly bold predictions about my future. Others I have to guess are Chinese proverbs which really got lost in the translation. The rest really defy categorization. Some highlights:
A job offer requires serious consideration.
You will move to a wonderful new home within the year.
These both would’ve been amazing about a year ago instead of when i was 14. Very few fortune cookies actually tie themselves to a deadline, either.
You long to see the great pyramids in Egypt.
How much did the Cairo Chamber of Commerce pay for this one?
You are a guiding star of his existence.
I have no clue who “he” might be. It’s not capitalized, so I don’t think they’re talking about any omnipotent beings. What’s scarier is that I have two copies of this fortune, in two different colors and fonts.
You sing as sweetly as an angel.
Lucifer was an angel….
When the mouse look [sic] down upon the cat, there must be an escape route nearby.
A person of words and not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.
You will soon meet the person you admire.
Apparently there’s only one.
Say hello to others. You will have a happier day.
Rest is a good thing, but boredom is its brother.
Sleepwalking may not mean anything.
Who needs health insurance? Just eat some Lo Mein and you’ll get all the fancy medical advice you need.
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.
So don’t bother getting that mysterious mole checked out. Dr. Fortune Cookie saves the day again!
How you look depends on where you go.
Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else’s water lily.
Now is a good time to buy stock.
From the cafeteria at Enron headquarters.
You would make a good lawyer.
You are independent politically.
Yup. I’m as fair and balanced as a certain “news” network I could name…
Strong and bitter words indicate a weak cause.
Oh. Like “You’re either with us, or you’re with Al Queda?” (See above)
Negotiations move along smoothly, the outcome is favorable!
You could prosper in the field of medical research.
The cookie didn’t specify if it means as a scientist or guinea pig.
Love is like sweet medicine, good to the last drop.
So many filthy places I could go with this one.
Consult your mate for advice.
Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies.
This is really a lovely day. Congratulations!
Criticize but do not abandon your delinquent friends.
I do, wise cookie! But they tend to take offense at being called “delinquent”
Very often you cannot help thinking of somebody.
You will step on the soil of many countries.
A real estate deal will be successful.
The world is a grand comedy to your sense of humor.
I just saw on CNN.com that Philadelphia is now officially out of the running for the 2016 olympics. This doesn’t really upset me. I don’t have much desire to have the Olympics in my city (or at least the city I live pretty close to). I think the Olympics are better reserved for smaller cities that need the attention and publicity. I thought it was pretty ridiculous that the final cities in the running for 2012 were New York, London, Paris and Moscow.
What really caught my attention about the article was that it hit on a pet peeve of mine, the “hasn’t since exaggeration” (yes, I just made that term up). The article includes the sentence, “The U.S. has not hosted the Summer Games since the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta, Georgia.” Last time I checked, the Summer Olympics are only held every 4 years. Which means this sentence really should read “The U.S. just hosted the Summer Games in 1996.” You see this a lot if you start looking for it, especially in sports. “The Yankees havn’t won a World Series since 2000″ was already getting said in 2003! There are 30 baseball teams! Or in the NCAA tournament when they’ll say things like “This is the first time that 3 11-seeded teams have made it to the Sweet 16 since 2001″ Look, if it’s happened in the last 10 years, it’s not rare enough to warrant being mentioned, and you just sound foolish pointing out how long it’s been since it happened. And if it’s truly a rare occurance and it happened within the last 10 years, then what you mean to say is “Holy Crap! This is the second time that 3 11-seeded teams have made it to the Sweet 16 since 2001″
I figure that a good way to start things off would be to list the sites that I check pretty much every day, in no particular order:
Reddit: People submit interesting links from around the web which get voted up or down by the people who visit them.
Digg: Very similar to Reddit, but focusing on technology.
Woot: Every day at 1 AM EST they put one item up for sale, usually at a nice discount. When it sells out (sometimes in seconds), it’s gone, and nothing’s for sale until 1 AM the next day. Look for their “Bag Of Crap” every few months, $1 for random crap in a bag. Can’t beat it!
The Daily WTF: This one you pretty much have to work in software to appreciate. Every time I read this site, I feel like the smartest man alive.
Hedonistica: Um. Videos and stuff. With Sarcastic Captions.
The Onion: The best satire that’s not aired between 11 and 12 on Comedy Central.
Schwarz Studios: My brother’s artwork. OK, I don’t exactly visit it daily. But come on. Those are some nice paintings. I don’t even know how we’re from the same family.
